WE CREATED VICO!

Hello beautiful people, welcome back. It’s world Cancer day again (February 4^th), I tried composing a post on this, but I really couldn’t (you can read last year’s post here; it’s basically the same sermon). Losing a loved one to cancer has to be the worst thing ever, considering the pain they have to go through, the numerous drugs they are pumped with; and all to what end? Anyway, continue to rest in peace Mum, you fought hard enough. if you can come back please do.

So, before I talk about Vic O, let me share this experience I had a few days back. I walked into this “Mama putish” fast food close to my class the other day. “Mama putish” because they have stuff you find in a fast food (a show glass, uniformed staff et al.) and not in a mama put, but they sell their food at a “Mama putish” price. Their food is quite decent, but please do not go near their plywood “sausage” roll (I’m not really sure it actually contains sausage hence the inverted commas) or their igneous rock doughnuts (you can use it as a weapon). If you can avoid those two things, then you are safe. The only other problem (until this new problem arose) you’d likely encounter there is the fact that they will NEVER give you stew with your jollof rice. I mean NEVER. No matter who you are. Ok so, I walked in as usual to get food, there were about three people before me. I did what I always do, scout through the girls to see who I’d prefer to serve me. To my surprise, I could only recognise one of the girls there (the one popularly called “Okpelenge”). “Where are all my ‘friends’”? I screamed in my head. After all the struggles of familiarising myself with them, so they can serve me a substantial amount of rice (especially since I never buy more than 50 naira rice) they just disappeared. I stood waiting for my turn. Next thing, the microwave end cycle signal rang and Okpelenge brought out the food and the next thing I heard was “Who go put salad inside microwave”. AHHH JESU!!!! I patiently waited for Okpelenge to be free before I ordered my food sha. I can’t be eating microwaved salad in the present state of the nation. Dollar is now almost #350 naira and for a minute there we were all searching for our 2016 budget. I hope you guys understand my plight.

Just when I was busy wondering why MTN people will be telling me I have insufficient airtime to call when I clearly saw #49 and like 5kobo last time I checked my account balance, this man/boy/male/person/I’m not really sure what he actually is that claims to be releasing hit tracks back to back just like Lil Kesh crossed my mind. The one and only self-acclaimed musician VicO.  I first heard about this uncle in my 200 level or so, and since then he has managed to go from funny to unwise stupid. Now? He is just a social menace (strictly my opinion). These days I am actually disturbed whenever I watch anything he is in. Is there somebody in VicO’s cupboard telling him whatever it is that he is doing is actually funny? Or that it’s okay? I had a million and one words in my head regarding this issue when I started this post but now, I’m just blank. The VicO effect!!! My gut tells me the only reason VicO is still spitting rap songs is because we are actually patronising the uncle. I mean virtually everyone thought he was funny when they first heard him, and that possibly fuelled his ambition (to win next rated artist at the headies in 2020). I mean why exactly does he get invited to talk shows to fool himself? Why do some of his youtube videos have over 600,000 views??? (why una dey watch am???)  I’m not very sure where VicO originated from but he has to be sent back!

My brother has just attempted singing VicO’s new hit single to me…… it goes thus…. Why evils Why evils Why evils…. 

I should probably just stop here before I strangle myself…..

UNTIL NEXT TIME….. PLEASE “EPP” ME STOP VICO BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!!!!

DON’T FORGET TO DROP YOUR COMMENTS……

THE NATURAL HAIR BONDAGE

*DUSTS COBWEBS*

Hello Beautiful People, it’s been quite while. I guess Merry Christmas, Happy Boxing Day, Happy New Year and Happy Valentine’s day in advance will be in order. First of all, a very big thank you to everyone who asked me about writing again *this one’s for you* (in Drake’s voice). I thought my “come back” post (feeling like one long lost Nigerian musician FAZE) would be a recap of 2015 but when I tried writing that, all I could come up with was…..

2015 = WORST YEAR OF MY LIFE

So I decided to write something else….

I gave myself a Friday deadline for this post but I still couldn’t go through with it. Coincidentally, today is my Mum and her twin sister’s birthday (I know my Mum is turning up in heaven). So,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY MUM AND TWIN MUM, THE WORLD ISN’T THE SAME WITHOUT YOU MUM, IF YOU CAN COME BACK PLEASE DO.

NOW……

It should be noted that at the time I thought up this post all I wanted to do was find out which relaxer was the best in the market, buy the relaxer, relax the living day light out of my natural bondage hair and live happily ever after.

It was about 2am that morning and while the world was asleep I was battling the dried crumbs of banana stuck in my hair. The numerous “natural hair diaries” where they talked about conditioning or whatever with bananas didn’t talk about this part. I kept asking myself; did I use the wrong type of bananas? Did I leave the mashed up bananas on for too long? Was I supposed to grind/blend the bananas instead of mashing it up? Instead of me to think about my project write up I’m to submit in less than a week I was thinking about bananas and my natural bondage hair. After washing my hair three times and combing so rigorously that my scalp even almost left my skull, I decided to give up. I dried my hair with the crumbs in it, wove it and went to bed. Thanks to the hair, I had barely 3hours of sleep that night and I had to be in school the next morning. I kept thinking; who sent me message? Why exactly have I not relaxed my hair? How do deeper life girls do it?

I went to school the next morning with the crumbs in my hair like that. I thought no one noticed until I was walking to class and this rotund guy was busy trying to make a conversation. I really wasn’t interested, so I walked past him and the next thing I heard was “are you just waking up from sleep?” I turned around with disdain written all over my face wondering what in the world prompted the question. Then he sad “there are many things that look like foam on your head”, I said thank you and continued to class. I got to class and that was basically the first thing everyone noticed.

This was never the plan; I cut my hair two years back because I felt like doing something different in my life at a point where a lot of things were going south. I never planned on going “natural”. But then the first thing everyone who saw me on low cut said was “you have decided to go natural” (after the “ahhh why the hell did you cut/barb your hair” part). And then I decided to join the band wagon. It was all fun and games until the hair actually began to grow. I wasn’t really interested in all the plenty serenren that came with “going natural” at first but when the hair became too difficult I got sucked into the expensive, time consuming, pain wreaking hole. The plan was to groom my hair for a year then relax it. But then I started hearing gist of how we grow 1-2 inches per month and the only reason my hair won’t be at least 24 inches long at the end of two years was because I couldn’t retain it or whatever; but somebody lied *in ice prince’s voice*.

Then there came the long list of things I had to put into the hair to condition it, retain my hair length, stop breakage etc. Then I had to look for organic shampoos and conditioners because the regular #150 shampoos and conditioners I was used to had some chemicals that were to be avoided. I also had to buy some vitamin supplements that I could barely afford. I piled up the lists till I had a source of income. After three to four months of buying I decided I wasn’t buying anything I couldn’t afford anymore. So I focused on using fruits and other affordable products. I started with avocado, honey, garlic and olive oil and even onions. Then I introduced coconut oil (which I make with my own hands from scratch), eggs and eventually the bananas that ruined it all, and then came ripe plantain. I had to decide if eating the almighty dodo was more important than having bad ass natural hair.

Then just when you are busy complaining, you see a picture of a fellow naturalist who started the journey a year after you did but has 10 inches hair.

Lets not forget the “should I help you comb your hair” stare yoruba men and women give you in the danfo the day you decide to carry your natural, unrelaxed hair that you tried to do “bantu knots” on the previous night and failed woefully.

At this point I’m wondering what all the stress is for, I mean fruits and eggs that people are looking for to eat I’m busy packing it on my hair. I still fix my weaves or braid my hair all the time; so what exactly is the point? Keeping this our dark thick natural hair is awfully expensive, pain wreaking and time consuming! Why exactly are we so passionate about “going natural”? I know the kind of pain I go through each time I have to make my hair, just because I have decided to abstain from relaxers. Worst part is awon natural hair teachers said we should not comb out hair, but use our fingers as combs. Just like fashion trends, we have all jumped on this bandwagon even though it’s killing us inside. The worst part is after two years of pain and suffering, my hair still isn’t 12 inches long. My hair stylist will likely ban me from her saloon soon, all because I threaten anyone who tries to bring a comb close to my head.

*looks at Solange Knowles’ picture* I’m still not relaxing my hair! The devil is a liar!!! I have come this far and I plan to continue *giggles*, Solange is the ‘hairspiration’. But this won’t be the last of my complaints.

This is all I managed to grow in a year and 9 months

PS: Tomorrow, my hair will be two years old!!! (there’ll be no party)

UNTIL NEXT TIME……… XOXO

DON’T FORGET TO DROP YOUR COMMENTS

Constitutional or Not?

On the radio show “Political Platform” a couple of days ago, a listener sent in a message concerning the 220 million naira the Kano State government had earmarked to cater for those who couldn’t afford food to break their fast during the Ramadan. He was of the opinion that the government could have used the money for a project aimed at creating gainful employment for these people rather than just feeding them for the period. Just as I was ruminating on the thought, a call was placed across to someone who is supposed to be a spokesperson or something of that sort for the Kano state government. And then, the “sophisticated illiteracy” of many of our government officials was thrown out in the open yet again.

The conversation went thus; (P.S: this is an abridged version of the conversation)

Show anchor: Have any funds had been earmarked for feeding in this fasting season?

Spokesperson: Yes, the Kano government has earmarked 220 million naira for the feeding of Muslims who cannot afford food to break their fasts during the Ramadan. There are a lot of Muslims who do not have anything to break their fasts and the government has taken it upon itself to cater for this people.

Show anchor: One of our listeners is of the opinion that the money should be used to create jobs for this people instead of feeding them for just this period also considering the debt log of the state.

Spokesperson: Yes yes, the government will create jobs for them, but the people have to be healthy to work (huh???). If they are not healthy, how will they work? It is the government’s duty to feed the people. The state’s governor is very sensitive to the people’s plight. If the Kano state government doesn’t give them food what will they eat after their fast. We are giving cooked food not raw food. blah…. blah….. blah…. He said some things I couldn’t make any sense of.

Show anchor: Is this money coming from the government’s purse or is the governor personally funding it? Because we know the Kano State government was listed as one of the states in debt.

Spokesperson: Yes, the Kano state government is funding the project because as you know the people of the state have to be fed (what???)….. blah….. blah……. blah…… some more incoherent words.

Show anchor: Is it constitutional for the governor to fund such a project from the government’s purse? Is there a provision in the constitution for this? Does this action have a constitutional backing?

(In my mind, I was just begging the guy to cut the call and run before he fools himself; I am not looking forward to another oga at the top saga. Imagine if he had said something like, “I don’t know, I need to ask my oga. Or it’s my oga that brought up the idea, so I don’t really know)

Spokesperson: Silence…….

Show anchor: Oh I think we lost him.

In my opinion, the man ran for his dear life! They further analysed the issue on the show. One of the anchors was quick to point out that the state is religiously diverse and as such, a project like that should probably not be embarked if it is being funded from the state’s purse. The question on my mind the whole time was “who was feeding these people before the fasting period?” Agreed, there is a benevolent side to this deed. What the governor is trying to do is really wonderful. BUT THEN AGAIN; YOUR STATE IS IN DEBT, WHO WILL FEED THIS PEOPLE AFTER THE RAMADAN ENDS (WHAT HAVE THEY EVEN BEEN EATING)? WILL YOU DO THIS DURING THE LENTEN SEASON? WOULDN’T IT BE BETTER IF YOU PROVIDED JOBS FOR THIS PEOPLE WITH THIS MONEY; IT MIGHT NOT BE SO MUCH, BUT IT’S DEFINITELY A START (REMEMBER THE TEACH ME TO FISH INSTEAD OF GIVING ME FISH ADAGE?).

In my opinion, it is a really nice gesture, but he could have funded it from his “PERSONAL” purse QUIETLY.

#WORLDMESSIDAY

Andddd a very Happy Birthday to the world’s greatest footballer and a living legend Lionel Andres Messi (If you like curse me in your mind, I go soon meet am). I had this plan to do a very elaborate post for/on my birthday but as always, Biochemistry has ruined it all (which begs the question, when will Ame have a life). I have this five hour long incourse on Friday (my birthday) and two other great ones on Monday and Wednesday next week. All the plans I had for myself and my friends (I) have therefore been moved to the following weekend (I’m sure people postpone their birthdays all the time, hell Uncle Gabriel Igbinedion celebrates his birthday all through the year). However!!!!! WORLD AME DAY remains 26^th June!!!! #ANTICIPATE. I will definitely squeeze in a post on Friday and please expect a lot of pictures!!!!  

UNTIL NEXT TIME……. HAPPY RAMADAN AL-MUBARAK TO MY MUSLIM BROTHERS AND SISTERS…… HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIONEL MESSI……. AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY IN ADVANCE AME……… XOXO

DON’T FORGET TO DROP YOUR COMMENTS…..

21 AGAIN

For some days now, I’ve been waking up with this “why is the world the way it is” feeling. I wake up questioning everything; why there is so much heat, why there is no power, why I have to wake up every morning to go to school when the only way I’m sure of being employed is if I create a job for myself since none of my uncles are senators or ministers (I still don’t understand why sha), why my street is so messed up each time it rains, why I don’t have super powers, why chickens can’t fly. EVERYTHING!

I decided to source for the origin of this anger. I finally found the problem after several hours of meditation. In a week I get to be “not 21” any more; I turn 22 in a week’s time. And, I realised I have been “living” my life (sorry existing) too damn fast. You’d think I was running from something. I have been secretly pissed at the fact that even though I have achieved a “considerable lot” (mostly academically) at my age, I couldn’t really care less about it all. I have been busy working hard for something I don’t even think I want.

I get to be “not 21” soon and I have no memories at all of being 21. I always looked forward to the 21 mile stone and had all these things planned out in my head, but….. Now is when my life is supposed to be about fostering relationships and creating beautiful memories for my old age. But instead, I wake up every morning thinking of what to make for breakfast, even if I do not plan to eat, my father has to. I run to school afterwards, spend not less than 5-6 hours in traffic to and from school, go to the market to get food stuff, get home, prepare dinner even if I’m tired as hell, struggle with my books and the cycle continues, every day, every week, every month.

Hangouts? Who has the time? Have fun? Please define fun.

I have decided to make this last week count! How? I honestly do not know. But something has to be done. Sha, for now I have to go and seek for a solution to my fresh tomato problems. Have you tried to buy fresh tomatoes in Lagos lately? You’d think you are buying designer tomatoes.

UNTIL NEXT TIME…….. NOTE TO SELF: STOP EXISTING AND START LIVING…. XOXO